Parenting….nothing like it. If you thought child birth was the most painful part of having a child you’ve never had your child embarrass you in public. That shit is WAY more painful than child birth. With parenting you say things you never in your life imagined you’d ever utter. “No, Makenna’s penis did not fall off.” <—said during his first bath with his 3 year old cousin. I thought that they were both dirty and I have a huge bathtub so why not toss them both in at once. Lesson learned. Another is, “We never, ever, EVER lick the floor in public! Like ever. OMG. I’d GermX your mouth if I could! You probably got cholera or something! Eww, don’t touch me with your floor licking lips!”. Or better yet, “Oh my gosh! I am so sorry he put his head under your skirt! C! We NEVER put our heads under someone’s skirt!” <—said to a stranger in public. Try explaining to a complete stranger how your 4 year old just got confused about whose skirt he was hiding under. Ahhhh, good times. To be fair I don’t think he was really paying attention to which person belonged to which skirt. And she was standing rather close to me. Maybe she learned her lesson about giving people the proper amount of personal space. Today’s winner is, “C! We never pull our pants down before we are fully in the bathroom stall!” I said this in Target. He said he had to go. I barely had the door open before he was rushing in and pulling his pants down. Hello fellow Target women’s bathroom visitors. :::waving::: Don’t mind that precious little white haired 4 year old boy running in with his pants and underwear around his knees. He wasn’t really running. It was more of a shuffle. Tomatoes, toe-mah-toes. Personally I was happy he made it to the toilet. Last night he waited until the last minute and peed on the toilet seat because he couldn’t hold it long enough to pee in the toilet. Nope he peed on the lid…..that was down. You’d be amazed how much pee a full 4 year old bladder can hold. Tonight he asked me to read his “most favorite story ever”. I asked him to remind me which book it was. He said it was the one about Walter the farting zombie dog. My reply, “Do zombie dogs fart?” See what I mean? Never in my life would I have ever thought that sentence would come out of my mouth. According to my son, zombie dogs do in fact fart. Who knew?

I kind of just jumped in with both feet there. Hi, I’m Mandy. ::::smiling and looking nervously around the room::: I used to blog but then I quit. I ran out of time in my life. More like ran out of hours in the day. BTW, when is someone going to get on that whole not enough hours in the day thing? Anyway, this blog won’t be grammatically correct. Probably not politically correct either. Frankly, I’ll be happy if I don’t get sued or disowned. Ok, that was dramatic but I would be happy not to get sued. What I will write will be mostly what spews out of my brain through my fingers without hitting a filter. Personally I think my filter is broken. I’m sure my husband would agree.

My husband and I have a 4 year old son, who I’m sure has the goal of getting us get on a first name basis with the ER staff. We, also, have a bouncing baby girl….and by bouncing baby girl I mean a hormonal 14 year old daughter about to start high school. Why yes, I’ll take that IV of tequila now, thankyouverymuch. High school. Teenage daughter. Hormones. Driving. I’m having a panic attack already. Back to my kids. 14 and 4. Yay me. Yes, my children have the same father. I specifically requested the same donor when I went to pick up my turkey baster of baby makin’ juice. :::wiggling my eyebrows::: I’m kidding. They do have the same father though. I think the 10 year age gap causes people to think I’m a woman who gets around. I don’t. Get around that is. I don’t have time to pee in private let alone get around anywhere. My kids say and do some of the craziest things. I know most parents think that but I am fairly certain my kids have cornered the market on crazy. I don’t know if they are trying to shock me or trying to beat me at some mental game I don’t know the rules to. I feel like my life is one big game of lets see who will blink first.

I decided that I’d join the rest of America and blog about everything my children say and do, plus some crazy shit I see in my every day life. I live in Austin where the motto is, “Keep Austin Weird”. It is like the world just placed all this craziness in my lap and then dared me not to blog about it. Don’t dare me not to do something because I’ll do it just for spite. Mostly I want this blog to be a written record of all the stuff my kids do that drive me crazy. That way, one day in the distant (please be extremely distant) future I can print it out and give it to their children so they can see their parents are the reason they have to visit me in the loony bin. I like to plan ahead. You’re welcome future grandchildren.

Advertisements