Jack is a lot of work. Sure, he sits on the fireplace all day but I think he uses that time to plot the evil ways he will torture my tired brain. Every single night, once C is asleep, I have to sit here and wonder what the hell to do with him. He just sits there, looking at me with a menacing grin on his face. Who invented this stupid Elf on the Shelf anyway? They must have hated their parents and decided to make every parent for the rest of eternity miserable the entire month of December. Jerks.
Last night I was exhausted. K had a winter band concert that lasted until 9pm. That is an hour after C’s bedtime. We got home at 9:30. At that time I had to put C to bed, take a shower, blow dry and straighten my curly hair because I hate myself and having curly hair today would have been too easy, pack C’s breakfast for school, gather all my school stuff, find outfits for C and I, iron outfits and on and on and on. I went to bed way too late and had to get up way too early. I’m a sleeper. The more the better. The fewer hours I sleep the higher my rate of bitchy gets. Sometimes I am so tired that I end up hating myself. Usually when it gets to that point I send myself to my room and tell me not to come out until I’ve napped. If I stomp up the stairs or slam my door I have to sit in time out for 33 minutes (one minute per year, obvi). I really
love cherish hate time out.
Hmmmmm….where was I? Oh yeah, Jack. Last night he had target practice. Please notice the expertly drawn target. ha I really am anti gun. My husband is as pro gun as you can get. He is like extra extra pro gun. I never thought I’d buy my son toy guns. Little did I know that boys will make guns out of everything. I decided that it would be easier to just let him have toy guns. Now we could start a Nerf gun militia. Jack needed in on the game. We do live in Texas. We are one step above handing out guns in gift baskets when babies leave the hospital. I was trying to show Jack how to use the gun. Gun safety and all that. I didn’t realize how much power this little gun held. Jack didn’t bother to inform me. I almost lost an eyeball. Jack sucks btw. He’s a terrible shot.
Tonight I thought I’d blow up some balloons with some left over helium. Then I’d attach Jack and we’d pretend he was in a hot air balloon. The tanks were empty. I had to modify my plan. I’ve decided that Jack is 100% an ass, dismissing any percent that I thought he might be a decent elf. His smile hides all the deception and evil he is filled with. Instead of being stuffed with young children’s whispered wishes and Christmas hope, he is filled with tears and Jack Daniels. When I tried to attach him to the fan he pointed out how dusty it was. What kind of evil person comes into your house and points out how dirty it is? Sure, I haven’t dusted in a while. No need to be rude and point it out! Rude.
After dusting I tried to attach him and almost died when the ottoman flipped over…..while I was standing on it! THEN, if that wasn’t bad enough, once I got him up there he started to spin like crazy. He gave me freakin motion sickness! What kind of devil gives you motion sickness in your own home? All I was trying to do was ensure he wouldn’t fly off the fan at 3am when I’m deep in sleep, scaring me to death when he knocks the mirror off the fireplace. I was trying to be considerate. He is trying to give me heart failure in the middle of the night. God, I think Jack is trying to kill me! If you don’t hear from me in 48 hours, come check on me. He may have smothered me in the middle of the night.