Loud sighs from the back seat

Last night I finished my last test for school. I was very excited yesterday morning because once I completed the test I was done. I had 11 questions to go and my internet went out! Thanks Time Warner for nothing! There was drama and cursing and many emails back and forth with the lady in charge of online testing. I was back online last night and able to finish. After such a drama filled day I decided to color. I love to color. It is so relaxing. Adults should color more. Jack decided to color, as well.

photo-33C was amazed that Jack knew he loves Scooby Doo. He immediately started to color a picture to give to Jack. Sometimes Jack just needs a low key night.

This morning after we dropped K off at school we headed to C’s school. He was really bummed out. I knew this by the very loud sighs coming from the back seat. He kept doing it louder and louder until I asked what was wrong.

Me: Hey bud, what’s wrong?

C: :::::loud sigh::::: I’m sad.

Me: Why? You are going to Kung Fu this morning. You are going to have a great day!

C: I’m still sad.

Me: Why?

C: Because I don’t have a phone with buttons to play games with. ::::sigh::::

Oh boy, this one is going to be a guilt tripper. He is 4 and already knows how to pull my strings. It is NOT right to think, “Oh man, I really should get him a phone with buttons to play games with.” It just is not ok but he made me think that very thing. Thankfully my more realistic side came through.

Me: Yeah, that sure is sad alright. I bet you are going to be sad about that for at least 6 more years.

C: :::::loud sigh:::::

You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

Yesterday I ran into Walgreens or maybe it was CVS. They are a block from each other and I always forget which is which. As I was checking out I saw this:

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It is a cow that shoots balls. I couldn’t pass such an awesome toy up. I just knew Jack would love for C to have it. Look, they are like best buds! I just didn’t know how dangerous this killer cow would be. The following pictures are a reenactment of what actually happened. Obviously I didn’t have my camera while the original ordeal went down.

photo-30C: How do you use it?

Me: You squeeze his belly and the ball pops out.

C: Ok.

Me: No, no, no! You’ll shoot your eye out!

photo-31Me: Here, let me show you how it works.

photo-32C: YOU SHOT ME IN THE LEG! What the heck mama!?!?!

I tried to prevent him from shooting his eye out a la A Christmas Story and ended up shooting him in the leg! Who wants to head my Mother of the Year campaign? I’m the clear and obvious choice for the title.

 

 

Don’t touch my cookies you jerk!

Last night Jack was browsing Pinterest looking for ideas that he was positive he’d have time to do because they looked so easy. I mean, really, how hard is it to make everything in a mug via the microwave or recreate an amazingly complicated hair style in just 4 steps or learn how to paint the nails on your right hand as well as you are able to paint them on your left? You get the point. Anyway, Jack was browsing Pintrest instead of doing other things but isn’t that the story of Pinterest? He spotted how to make snowflake crystals! What What! C knows all four seasons. Ever since he noticed leaves falling off the trees two weeks ago he has been positive winter comes next. And with winter comes snow. At least in the pictures it does. Poor kid has no clue that a more accurate picture of winter in Texas shows kids outside in shorts, a sweatshirt and flip flops playing in the dead grass. He’s in for some disappointment. The snowflake crystals, Jack was positive, would…..I don’t know…..make him think it was winter. Look, it made sense to Jack last night, ok. The project looked seriously easy and I figured Jack had it in him not to screw it up. 99% of the time Pinterest ideas don’t work but this is the 1% of the time it did. Score!

photo-23All the supplies were gathered. We used Borax, pipe cleaner, string, and water. The directions said a pint size mason jar but the only one I had was a huge jar I use to give wild flowers a country chic look. We needed a pencil too but that didn’t make it in the picture. Don’t mind my angry owl jar. We don’t actually keep cookies around and it technically was in the Halloween section but I love it. It says, “Don’t touch my cookies you jerk!”. I like cookie jars with a personality. If it is a grumpy personality I like it even more.

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While 2 cups of water was boiling Jack created a snowflake design out of the pipe cleaner. Sure, it isn’t a master piece but look, he’s an elf, y’all. He only has itty bitty hands and they can’t be expected to create a work of art on the first try. Jack attached a string to the snowflake and wrapped the string around a pencil.

photo-25Once the water started to boil it was poured in the jar. After that Jack poured in 1/3 cup of Borax and stirred it. The snowflake was then lowered into the water. Jack learned the hard way that touching the glass after you pour boiling water in it is a bonehead thing to do. Just….ahhhh….you know, so you know.

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Because a cold front blew through Texas dropping the temp from a nice 78 to 2freakin9, Jack needed to borrow a pair of mittens off our small tree and a scarf from a little bird. He didn’t want to freeze while making crystals over night.

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WAH-LAH! A snowflake crystal! It is a crystal and doesn’t melt. The pin said that they are pretty now and you can save them but they lose their luster after a while. Also, it said to be sure that kids know it isn’t candy. It really does look like the sugar crystal candy on a stick.

photo-26C was really excited to see the crystal. I know I’ve said it before but he is just so excited every morning to find out what Jack has been up to. Half way down the stairs he will duck down and see if Jack left the fireplace mantel. Every morning he exclaims, “Jack isn’t on the shelf! Where is he?”. Then he starts running room to room trying to find him.

One side note I wanted to mention is that crystals do form on the side and bottom of the mason jar. All you have to do it poke it with a fork a time or two and it breaks apart so you can empty it in the trash.

Now I know how the witch in Hansel and Gretel felt.

Jack has been fun so far. C is really into finding where he is and what he’s been up to every morning. I know some people move their Elf on the Shelf around during the day or at nap time. To them I say quit being Elf on the Shelf overachievers because you are making the rest of us look lazy. I take naps seriously. Even though C is 4.5 years old he still naps. I still nap with him on weekends. That means I don’t have time to find some place for Jack to move to. I’m napping….which is important! I once had pj’s that said “I ❤ Sleep”. Truer words have never been spoken. One of the reasons I don’t want another baby ever, aside from my husband getting the ol’ snip snip, is because baby’s are notorious for not sleeping. Same reason I won’t get a puppy.

C doesn’t get candy all the time or really very often. He’s got enough energy for 10 people so he doesn’t need the help of sugar or soda. He is allowed to have stuff once in a while. With Jack being here I’ve found the easiest thing to do is leave candy out. C thinks Jack is ah-ma-zing. The best thing since sliced bread wine in juice boxes Magic Mike yogurt in tubes. What 4 year old wouldn’t like a magical elf that brings candy you can’t normally have? The problem is I have to, then, leave something for K. Yeah, she’s 14 but she’s quick on to hop on the “Why does he get it and I don’t?” bandwagon that rolls through ever so often. By ever so often I really mean every freakin day.

Here is Jack, his 2 bff’s and two big Hershey Kisses. C was quick, too, once he saw the big kisses. I hadn’t even got bowls out for breakfast and he’d already eaten half! At like 9am!! I barely had my eyes all the way open. He said they were both his but I had to stage a sugar rush intervention and tell him to bring the other to his sister.

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Last night Jack decided to get crafty.

photo-19Who are the people making the gingerbread houses on the box? Hmmm? I am crafty. I can make shit. Give me some supplies and a little bit of time and I’m like the MacGyver of crafts. Martha Stewart has nothing on me. But these houses? No ma’am. They are impossible. I planned it out. I was going to copy the design on the box. I started at the bottom and worked my way up so I wouldn’t mess up the top trying to reach the bottom. I had the candy lined up. I dug to the very back of my pantry where baking goods go that I only use once a year (which is pretty much anything you bake or cook with. haha). I was good to go and eager to start. I could feel the crafty in my bones I was so ready.

Gingerbread houses are hard. Really effin hard. Sure, I may or may not have had a few Appletini shots but really…..it was hard. The picture showed an awesome house with ‘snow’ carefully hanging from the roof. A lovely door lined with candy. Expertly decorated windows. A ‘stone’ path made of gum drops. It was amazing and I just KNEW I could do that. I could do it and I. Could. Do. It. BETTER! Except when I realized I couldn’t.

drinkingHere you have Jack drinking frosting. He was drinking because neither of us knew that a gingerbread house was going to kick our ass. I drank booze shots water. Jack, also, may have had a stomach ache due to eating candy and licking frosting during the ‘why the eff is this not working’ stage of the build. :::shrug::::

Due to Jack’s love of sugar I agreed to let the children decorate cookies. Mostly I did this because C wanted to eat Jack’s gingerbread house. Jack did not work that hard all night long just to have some kid come up and eat it! The nerve! Now I know how the witch felt in Hansel and Gretel. Who eats someone else’s house?

Ummmm….yeah. So, originally I had intended to make sugar cookies. After the whole gingerbread house fiasco I decided to save those for when my mom gets here. I’m sure she knows how to do that whole making cookies thing. I’ve never been successful at making dough you roll out. I am successful at buying some kick ass mustache and ninjabread men cookie cutters. I can only be awesome at so many things at any given time. Due to the lack of awesome in the dough making department I bought pre-made cookie decorating kits at Target. I’m no fool!

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These are C’s cookies. Sure to put you in a diabetic coma just in time for the holidays! He’s such a giver. cookie2You are probably wondering what C is doing here. Let me put your curious mind to ease and inform you that he is sucking frosting out of the packet. At least Jack had the decency to use a straw!

 

 

It is just bad Chick-fil-a Santa Cow….or Cow Santa….etiquette.

I have so much to write about! Jack, the kids, a creepy cow…..so…..much. This will be just a  lot of various things jumbled together.

This afternoon in the car I was complaining to K how much I hate that Justin Beiber sings such catchy songs. I want to hate them but I can’t stop myself from singing along.  She mentioned dub step. It is the very first time I’ve ever felt old or out of touch. I’ve heard of it but I had no clue what it was really. She offered to play it for me right as the new Pink song came on the radio.

Me: Oh hey, this is the new Pink song.

K: I was going to show you what dub step was.

Me: I want to hear this song.

K: I’ll play it after the song then.

Me: Ok, maybe after the song. And by after the song, I mean I hope you just forget about it.

That was when I really realized that I was, in fact, old. I not only didn’t know what dub step was but I had no desire to figure it out. I, also, threw out the good old “back in my day” phrase today when we were discussing how teachers figure grades now compared to when I was in school. Ugh…..put me out to pasture because I’m old now.

Moving on. This evening was a Christmas Family Night event in the old section of our city. The mayor hits the button to turn all the downtown Christmas lights on, including the giant tree in the town square. There were all sorts of different activities, live music on different stages, food, booths and even Santa entering by a horse drawn carriage. C really wanted to hug the Chick-fil-a cow of all things.

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The next photo is where I had to save C’s life from the child smothering Chick-fil-a Santa cow or cow Santa…..I don’t know that it matters which way you describe the cow. What does matter is that giant cows dressed up as Santa shouldn’t go around smothering children. It is just poor giant cow etiquette.

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I, also, had to save him from nearly being run over by a full Target cart steered by a mother with about 75 little children in tow. I pulled him out of the way right in the nick of time. I’m sensing a pattern here.

Oh, another quick thing. C is hilarious when he sings songs when we are in the car. Sometimes the words are what he thinks rather than what they really are. An example is him singing “Belize Navidad”. I laugh every time.

Finally, Jack. He is just up to no good. I caught him gambling the other night. Poor Captain America and the Hulk didn’t stand a chance. He’s a shark!

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Last night he planned on having a party……

4But he got hung up.

3Hahaha….get it? Hung up? :::sigh::: I know, I know. I won’t quit my day job.

He’s stuffed with tears and Jack Daniels.

Jack is a lot of work. Sure, he sits on the fireplace all day but I think he uses that time to plot the evil ways he will torture my tired brain. Every single night, once C is asleep, I have to sit here and wonder what the hell to do with him. He just sits there, looking at me with a menacing grin on his face. Who invented this stupid Elf on the Shelf anyway? They must have hated their parents and decided to make every parent for the rest of eternity miserable the entire month of December. Jerks.

Last night I was exhausted. K had a winter band concert that lasted until 9pm. That is an hour after C’s bedtime. We got home at 9:30. At that time I had to put C to bed, take a shower, blow dry and straighten my curly hair because I hate myself and having curly hair today would have been too easy, pack C’s breakfast for school, gather all my school stuff, find outfits for C and I, iron outfits and on and on and on. I went to bed way too late and had to get up way too early. I’m a sleeper. The more the better. The fewer hours I sleep the higher my rate of bitchy gets. Sometimes I am so tired that I end up hating myself. Usually when it gets to that point I send myself to my room and tell me not to come out until I’ve napped. If I stomp up the stairs or slam my door I have to sit in time out for 33 minutes (one minute per year, obvi). I really love cherish hate time out. 

Hmmmmm….where was I? Oh yeah, Jack. Last night he had target practice. photo-10Please notice the expertly drawn target. ha I really am anti gun. My husband is as pro gun as you can get. He is like extra extra pro gun. I never thought I’d buy my son toy guns. Little did I know that boys will make guns out of everything. I decided that it would be easier to just let him have toy guns. Now we could start a Nerf gun militia. Jack needed in on the game. We do live in Texas. We are one step above handing out guns in gift baskets when babies leave the hospital. I was trying to show Jack how to use the gun. Gun safety and all that. I didn’t realize how much power this little gun held. Jack didn’t bother to inform me. I almost lost an eyeball. Jack sucks btw. He’s a terrible shot.

Tonight I thought I’d blow up some balloons with some left over helium. Then I’d attach Jack and we’d pretend he was in a hot air balloon. The tanks were empty. I had to modify my plan. photo-4I’ve decided that Jack is 100% an ass, dismissing any percent that I thought he might be a decent elf. His smile hides all the deception and evil he is filled with. Instead of being stuffed with young children’s whispered wishes and Christmas hope, he is filled with tears and Jack Daniels. When I tried to attach him to the fan he pointed out how dusty it was. What kind of evil person comes into your house and points out how dirty it is? Sure, I haven’t dusted in a while. No need to be rude and point it out! Rude.

After dusting I tried to attach him and almost died when the ottoman flipped over…..while I was standing on it! THEN, if that wasn’t bad enough, once I got him up there he started to spin like crazy. He gave me freakin motion sickness! What kind of devil gives you motion sickness in your own home? All I was trying to do was ensure he wouldn’t fly off the fan at 3am when I’m deep in sleep, scaring me to death when he knocks the mirror off the fireplace. I was trying to be considerate. He is trying to give me heart failure in the middle of the night. God, I think Jack is trying to kill me! If you don’t hear from me in 48 hours, come check on me. He may have smothered me in the middle of the night.

It was the worst real life version of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie ever.

I’ve done well at remembering to place Jack in different spots so far. It hasn’t been an entire week yet so I can’t say for sure if I can keep this up for 23 more days. So far so good though. C is loving it. First thing in the morning he hops out of bed to go find Jack. Yesterday Jack made cookies. photo-7Here are the problems I encountered courtesy of Jack. One, Jack doesn’t sit up particularly well. It took me about 10 minutes to figure out how to get him to sit up. Hence the random bowl for no reason. He was no help in finding a solution. He was like a 2 year old who goes all jello on you when you are trying to get them to stop screaming and get off the store floor. No help at all.

Two, the cookies were located on C’s spot at the table. C saw them and proclaimed that Jack wanted him to eat cookies for breakfast….ALL of them. Why else would a plate of cookies be at his spot at breakfast time? I would chalk this up to 4 year old logic but lately C has been trying to convince me he needs candy in the morning. I think he’s just throwing things out there trying to see which ones I’ll say yes to.

Lastly, the cookies were at C’s spot and the note was to him only. To C that meant the cookies were ONLY for him. There were proclamations of disappointment and tears of the real and fake variety throughout various points in the day. Today went pretty much like this, whenever C thought about the cookies he’d get happy then he’d remember he couldn’t eat them all at once and he’d be very loudly disappointed and then there were what every type of tears he could muster up because he remembered he had to share. Rinse and repeat. It was the absolute worst real life version of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie ever. It was the version where no one gets cookies but everyone gets the Black Plague. Well, ok, it felt that way to me. Anyway, Jack is an ass and gives me nothing but heartache and the desire to drink at 9am. It is kinda like having your whole entire extended family at your house for Christmas. Maybe Jack is trying show me that I do in fact have it good living at minimum 19 hours away from everyone, particularly during time of the year that families normally get together to piss each other off. Ugh. I hate when stupid elves try to make points and give life lessons and shit.

Moving on.

This past week Jack may or may not have had to watch Scooby Doo the Movie (the one with Sarah Michelle Gellar) AND Scooby Doo 2 no less than ninety six bajillion times. I personally don’t mind watching them that many times with C but I think Jack may have been tired of watching them. So Jack brought a new Scooby Doo movie because sometimes you need a little variety. When I Jack has a mid afternoon nap time dream about Scooby Doo then maybe it is time to add a few different dvd’s in the mix. photo-9Here you have Jack all comfy on the couch with the remote and new dvd. The M&M’s each have names written on them so that C won’t claim them both….lesson learned. There is also two bags of popcorn. I figured if I set out the 100 cal packs of popcorn it would add balance to what I’m sure will be a breakfast of popcorn and M&M’s. Jack is not going to fit in his fashion forward red body suit if he keeps eating junk. Candy canes, marshmallows, cookies and now M&M’s. I think he needs an intervention and a one way ticket to sugar rehab.

 

Then baby Jesus showed up with his entourage so we knew this battle was epic.

You wanna know what is a million times more fun than a snowball fight? A marshmallow fight. That’s how we do it up in this hizzz-ouse yo!

Wanna know what turns a marshmallow fight awesome? When it is between Jack the elf, Iron Man and Captain America. ::::channeling my inner Flava Flav:::: Awwww boooiiiiiiii.

Wanna know what turns an awesome marshmallow fight into an epic marshmallow battle? When baby Jesus shows up with his entourage. BOOM! ::::drops the mic and walks away like a boss:::::

http://www.lilblueboo.com/2012/12/the-great-elf-link-up.html

Creepin’ in my Spidey undies.

All the stocking undies were hung by the chimney with care….

This morning when C came downstairs and saw Jack left candy he was so excited. He exclaimed, “Oh Jack! Thank you!”. It was adorable. What kid doesn’t like finding candy at 7am?

C has had a Mini Cooper power wheel for almost 2 years. He had no clue how to steer it when he first got it. He used it very few times since then. I decided he was old enough to figure it out so I drug it out of our shed and plugged in the battery. 4 1/2 is a much better age for a power wheel than almost 3. He really enjoys it now. Tonight was his first time cruising the side walk. This happened:

He backed into the neighbors little palm and then ditched his car. Thank gosh he has 12 more years before he is old enough to drive!